Should the past remain there part 2

OK after some reevaluation of my last post I realized what I think I was trying to say. I feel like the only thing that I have to look forward to is the past. I no longer do I have the desire to day-dream about what my future might hold in store. I only think about what mistakes I made in the past to get me where I am instead of where I want to be or go.

When I was little I dreamed of being famous like a singer or something. Then as I got older that thought was still there but then I began thinking about dating and getting married and dreaming about what the perfect wedding would be and who the man would be waiting for me at the end of the aisle. Once that happened my thoughts turned to a family and all of the cute things that babies do, such as crawling and cooing and walking and talking. But after 7 years of that dream and the past 3 or 4 years of officially trying that dream seems to be fading. And now I catch myself thinking of things that I can do that my family and friends with small ones cannot, like if I had money I could travel, not sure where but I could.

I could buy a nice house and become the really cool and wise aunt that my nieces and nephew might need someday.

I can sleep in on Saturdays, OK I do that. And only sometimes I feel guilt that I get that opportunity too.

But also I get mad at myself because I don't have children to worry about so one would think that I would be better off monetarily but I'm not. I see people on welfare and other government assisted programs and I think ya know I could probably use that too but since I don't have small mouths to worry about I am not eligible.

Now don't get me wrong even if I did have the small mouths I am pretty sure that Daniel and I would be to full of pride to even consider it, but it makes me wonder that if I had someone other than myself to worry about would I have made better choices in the past. Maybe I wouldn't have put so much stuff on the credit cards that I now can't seem to pay. Maybe I would have bought a cheaper car, oh wait bought that shortly after I was married, so maybe that doesn't count.

Maybe I would have put more money into savings instead of going out to eat because it is easier than actually fixing a real dinner.

Oh well one will never know. Well OK I am sure once I get to Heaven God will show me the turns I should have made instead of the ones I did make but until then I will just have to keep on keeping on and see where this road leaves and hope I make the right turn next time I am given a choice.

Should the past remain there?

Hmm been thinking lately. Which that kind of explains the headache I bet. But anyways last weekend Daniel and I attended our 10 year class reunion. Except for maybe a small and I do mean small handful, maybe 3 people I hadn't seen most of our classmates since graduation day. I made Daniel attend, we knew most of our friends would probably not go. But I thought we would probably regret not going. So I told him if we go this time we do not have to go to any more. So it started out with going to Jim's Bar to do a kind come and go as you please. We listened to a band called Jenkin's Creek, two classmates put together in high school and still kind of play to this day. Unfortunately Friday was the night before the big Maple Leaf parade and I guess Jim's Bar is where everybody who wants to catch up with others goes, well needless to say there were waaaaay to many people there. Daniel and I figured that if any of our friend that we hung out with in school would show up it would be there. We were wrong. granted I am glad that we did go because we did see a few people but man was I miserable because the place was crowded and loud, in order to have any kind of conversation you had to go outside to the patio area to talk and it was cold. But any ways Saturday morning was the big parade, we could have went to Dustin Perkins house to watch it but Daniel and I decided to sit with our family and enjoy watching it with our niece and nephew, August and Nathan. Then Saturday night came out big $30 a person official class reunion banquet. The food sucked and there was no entertainment unless you count seeing how many times certain people went to the bar. OK they did have a DJ but again the music was really loud and everybody just wanted to talk and catch-up so you had to either go outside or sit in the bar area. Eventually some of the girls had enough to drink and did go to the dance floor.

But what I mean by "should it all remain in the past" is I had started looking back in my life and reminiscing and I have thought on some areas that I feel laking in. I did marry a wonderful man and I thank God for him in my life, but I don't feel like I have been the best person for him. I thought I would have at least a couple of children by now and I can barely seem to take care of myself. When we got married the house that we live in was only going to be temporary but 7 years later we still live in our tiny one bedroom, with no chance of moving. I do love my job but even that seems to not be very stable. I am constantly being reminded that it could even disappear if the economy doesn't turn around and we don't get any more business coming our way. Oh yes I do believe that God will not put more on me than I can handle and I know that whatever doesn't kill me will make me stronger but why can't I stop looking back and feeling sorry for what I don't have and instead look forward to what could be coming my way.

Ok that was really just rambling and even I am not sure what it all means.